Aging with RAZ

How to recognize when it’s time to ask for help

Caregiving doesn’t have to be fingernails on the chalkboard of life.
Consider this. Our family members or friends visit, and mom rises to the occasion. They see nothing wrong and refuse to believe what we tell them is happening.

Then when someone asks us how we are, we say, “I’m fine.” It may be the most common cover up in dementia caregiving. A person living with dementia may say it while losing track of a name, a date, or the reason they walked into a room. A caregiver may say it while choking down frustration, exhaustion, or grief.

⚠︎ The signs:
For a person with dementia, covering up may look like smiling through confusion, changing the subject, pretending to remember a name, or agreeing when they are unsure. We all want to be seen as capable, respected, and whole. Dementia threatens a person’s sense of identity long before it changes their daily abilities. Covering up becomes a way to hold on to dignity and avoid being treated as less than.

Caregivers cover up too. They may hide emotions or exhaustion because they worry about being judged. They may think, “I should be more patient,” or “Other people have it worse,” or “I don’t want to burden anyone.” So, they answer, “We’re fine,” even when they aren’t.

Fine is code for H-E-L-P.

💡 Recognizing covering helps:
A person with dementia will struggle with memory and still deserve our respect. Instead of confronting every memory slip, we can offer reassurance and choices. A caregiver can love deeply and still be overwhelmed. Instead of expecting caregivers to be superhuman, we can make room for their emotions without shame.

When we understand covering up is a normal part of dementia and caregiving, we learn to listen more carefully. The next time someone says, “I’m fine,” we can hear the possibility beneath the words: I need dignity. I need compassion. I need help. And sometimes, understanding that truth is where real help begins.

Help often arrives from unexpected places. With honesty, humor and grace, support deepens and lifts us all. When it is offered, say yes, and show them how to help.