Aging with RAZ

How to handle fabricated memories

My loved one is taking something I just said or something they saw or heard and repeating it back to me as if it was their story. I know it’s not true.

It’s driving me nuts. Why are they lying to me?

It could be confabulation, a neuropsychological disorder where a person inadvertently produces fabricated memories without intent to deceive. Someone with dementia is unaware of their recall error and fully believes in their memory. This is different from a delusion which may present with paranoia and/or anger. Not every person with a brain disease will confabulate.

Confabulation is out of our loved one’s control; it is part of the disease. No amount of correcting them will reverse their brain disease.

Walking in our loved one’s shoes:
❓ How do you feel when someone corrects you when you are not wrong?
❓ How do you feel when someone calls you a liar when you are telling the truth?
❓ How do you feel when someone yells at you?
❓ How do you feel when someone threatens you?

What can we do instead?
We can stop arguing with them and choose to join them in their reality.

For some this is a very difficult decision, and you may not be able to cross that bridge. But ask yourself, is anyone being injured? Not irritated, injured. Why create pain when we can create joy? Choose to enjoy the ride in their reality. They believe what they are telling you is true.

You might be thinking, “Yah, right. I will not tell lies because lying is wrong.” Consider this, when you were a child, did you believe in Santa Claus? Did you teach your children to believe in Santa Claus? Did believing in Santa Claus bring you joy?

Your day will be much easier without fighting this no-win scenario.

When you join them in their reality, your body language matters. Relax your shoulders, smile and give yourself permission to laugh when the situation calls for it.

💡 If you join them in their reality, they feel validated and loved. Wouldn’t you want that for yourself?

Afterwards, you have the satisfaction of knowing you are right. And you can share this with your support group. It’s a win, win.